#20
Dear
Loida, my dancing maiden,
My
cousins, when she was a child, once asked me why are flowers of different
colors. How could I answer her? I did not know why it was, not more than her. I
do not know why flowers settled on certain shapes, certain smells and if it is
final in its evolution. All I know is that they are all perfect. I do not know
what they are for, but they are astonishing.
I
think about how much pleasure is in this world. Pleasure enters into all our
senses and some without meaning so. I once was in love with the smell of gasoline
or the smell of clay. As a kid it was enchanting as any perfume. Are there
really any good or bad smells? Perhaps there might be, I was going to say
it’s based on your perception and sense of taste. But a skunk’s
scent is a weapon. And there is a plant or berry called Edleweis or however it
is spelled. There was a park where that foul tree grew, it smelled like vomit.
And everybody reacted to it the same way as far as I could say. But I’m
not sure, since there are cheeses that smell foul, yet other people enjoy them.
So perhaps we are like infants and are neutral before all smells, since infants
don’t seem the least bit disturbed about their waste, they’d even
play and splash about it if we didn’t tell them not to.
They
said on YouTube there was a video of
a child playing with a cobra and the snake repeatedly strikes him. Okay, forget
about the moral aspect of this. Children don’t have common fears. They
are not yet programmed fro complex fears we know as adults. I would watch my
cousins as babies, totally abuse my dogs. They’d pull his tail, bit his
ears, hit them, and the dog would look at me with this pitiful expression. He
knew this was a baby that knew no better. You can see this occur in all baby
animals as they play attack their mother and siblings and the mother kind of
rolls her eyes.
With
so many complex pleasures are we programmed to translate there also? At what
point does a child make a distinction from pea soup to a sweet apple? I mean a
lemon is sour and a pepper is hot. We should not like these things but we later
do.
At
some point every child is afraid of the dark. They go through that period when
we think some monster is hiding in the dark waiting to get us. Later on, we
often make love in the dark and love the beauty of taking walks under the
stars. It’s even fascinating how we invent complex horrors to scare us.
Space monsters, zombies, demons. We know this stuff is silly and isn’t
true, but we don’t always have the power to stop it from affecting us. In
the end we are sensations, emotions and imagination and nothing else. Have I
told you about a book that was once sent to me? It was an opus. An immense
project. I wish I could have organized it and thought of it. It called all
photographers, amateur and professional to take a photo of what most depicted
love and submit it. They were going to only use the very best 500 images. They
said they got hundreds of thousands submitted. What they chose was simply
‘wow’. The task is harder than you think. I don’t think most
people know what love is or how it’s expressed. Is it arranged or
spontaneous? I found it utterly fascinating. Some I wished I could frame and
illuminate with track lighting and place in my living room. It wasn’t
kissing or sexual which I guess most people would associate with love. People
without imagination. No, these images had direct impact. It played on your
senses. Some were so powerful they put the knot in your throat and put a tear
in your eye. There was a picture of a woman who was lying on the chest and
stroking her husband seconds before he dies of brain cancer. It was the
tenderest image I perhaps ever saw in my life. She was holding his hand and
walking him into the beyond. It wasn’t an image of hysterical crying, in
his look there was love, in her look there was love. It made you wish this kind
of death for yourself. It was love.
There
was also an image of a premature baby fighting for life, and holding her
mother’s finger. And how proud she was. It was an image of both mother
and child recognizing each other. In her look she almost seemed to urge her to
fight. I mean this image could be common, but I’m not sure it was ever
captured like that. It was so gut wrenching they even put a few sentences under
it. “Before you were here, I wanted you. When I learned of you, I needed
you and prepared for you. Before you were here for one minute. I would die for
you.”
They
had profiles of the photographers explaining their subjects. The group was
diverse from over 15 countries. I think Russians know more about love and expressions
of love than every other culture. From this book, that’s what it looked
like. There was an US photo of a groom twirling his bride on a beach near
sundown, you could see this wasn’t stayed and they saw themselves
unwatched. You could see that they loved each other.
But
that doesn’t compare to a couple who are homeless in Poland. Both in
rags, without anything but love for each other, and he’s taking care of
her. They are dirty and have some sores. Life is hard, you can see it, but they
are both beautiful. This love seems more authentic, lasting and true than all
the wedding pomp, and fancy perfect backdrops. Love in bad times is more true
than love in good times, or love in poverty than love in wealth is more true. I
mean everybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm, but let that water churn,
let the tidal waves fly across the bow, let the black cloud descend and then
you’ll what the pilot is made of. Most will abandon ship at the first
sign of hardship, boredom, temptation or struggle.
There
is so much pleasure. They say love and pleasure are sisters. Or like mother
& son. Venus and Cupid. The twilling of a bird is pleasure. A love song is
pleasure. A delicious meal is pleasure. An orgasm is pleasure. A vacation is
pleasure. Feeling victorious is pleasure. To laugh is pleasure. To play is
pleasure. A happy ending is pleasure. A child or animal is pleasure. Giving
gifts is a pleasure. Receiving gifts and favors is a pleasure.
However,
the supreme happiness of life, from adolescence onwards is the conviction that
we are attractive and the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves and
loved in spite of ourselves. To have continually at your side a special
someone, a charmed and charming being who is there because you emotionally need
that person, and because he / she can’t do without you. To know you are
indispensable to someone necessary to you. To be able to measure their
affection by their closeness. By their personal attraction. People who dedicate
all their time, when they talk words of love, or sing or touch you know you are
the cause of those words of affection. Few joys can equal that.
Are
lovers deprived? No. Nothing is lost where there is love. The heart searches
for a heart and finds it. Someone sustains you. It is me. For me it is you.
Someone touches you. It is you. For me it is you. I want you wholly as you have
me wholly. Never to be left alone, never to feel alone. When you feel
approaching warmth, it is me. When I feel ecstasy it is you. And the thousand
little cares. The voice to comfort you. I know your voice. You felt yourself
adored. You knew my attraction to you. I knew your connection and attraction to
me.
You
exist, we have a connection and that is enough. I so very much wish you could
see me for who I am today. I sometimes try to think of what you might be
thinking, what you feel, what you’d say. Look I know it’s not easy.
It’s too complicated. I know this. You have questions. You imagine
scenarios. It’s all cloudy. That is another drawback of imagination, of
our inner judgment. It is said it is our judgment that defeats us. I got that
line from the movie ‘Apocalypse Now
’. Did I spell that right?
If
it wasn’t for judgment you’d be a superwoman right now. You hold
yourself back. You create in your mind why things cannot be. You stop yourself.
Think about this. Go to Paris tomorrow. You can’t. You will create all
kinds of reasons why you can’t you got to work. You don’t have the
money. You don’t know where to go in Paris. You can’t see the pleasure
in going. Who will go with you? These are reasons you’d put in your way.
We all do it. These judgments are obstacles we out in our way. But it robs us
of our quality of life and keeps us from growing. They say the ghost that runs
after you is more beautiful than you. So give into the ghost.
I
mean think about this. Madonna sang “Live out a fantasy.” Think
about that. Imagine if you became your fantasy. The only thing that stops you
is nerve. Nerve is what you possess in spades. It’s just sometimes as we
got older, we stop believing in miracles. We become stale and feel nothing is
worth much effort. We die inside.
This
is the tragedy of life; each day we die a little more, the 1000’s of
little deaths that occur each day. We loose faith, we stop trusting, we stop
having expectations, we stop promising and expecting promises to be kept. We
sink deeper into the coffins of our job, we sink deeper into TV. We stop
dreaming, or we stand aside and let dreams die. We live like ants spending the
remainder of our lives in a 40 mile radius. Our eyes get dull; our plumage
turns mangy and grey. We no longer dance, we no longer twirl. We don’t
have good laughs, we don’t want anything badly. So how does a person
endure? How does a person love, and risk, and rise again? Indeed there is something
vulnerable in us. It explodes forth: it is our will. Our love. Our
highest hope. It smashes all obstacles. It has the eye for chance. It is our
joy bringer and will bring reconciliation. We will invent ourselves.
Loida,
what have you thought of yourself? Have you ever thought less of yourself? Do
you think that even the President could be greater than you? Do you think the
actor or the rich better than you? You are not less. You will never be less.
You are greater. Again realize how much is still possible.
When
you read this, options will be trading. What are options? It’s a complex
tool. For a tiny bit of money you can compound your gain. To make you
understand, imagine if you could make a market bet. Either up or down. That a
stock will rise or fall over a certain amount within a time frame. If it does
no, you loose. If it does, you win. But here’s more. Say today’s
stock price of Mastercard closes at
$181. You could make a bet for say $100 that within a month the price will rise
beyond $200. If it does not you loose $100 dollars you paid for the options.
But if it does, you gain $100 dollars for each dollar the stock rises over 200
dollars.
Does
this make sense? Because that’s it in a nutshell.
The
Mastercard example actually happened.
On Nov 27, 07, Mastercard closed at
$181. Now news of Visa going public
surfaced on Nov 16, 07. Now Visa is
going to be big once offered to the public. (Loosing around perhaps $400 after
the first day of trading. If so then Mastercard
at $181 looks really cheap, so it has to rise).
So
looking at the option table on that day showed the following:
Mastercard
close $181
Dec
C200 @ 1.00
Well this means. You could buy a
December call option, which means you are betting the stock price will rise
above 200 by the 3rd Friday of Dec. And you are paying $1.00 a share
since options represent 100 shares. You are paying 1 dollar for each share or
$100 dollars for that option.
Let’s
fast forward to Dec 11th. Mastercard
closed at $216. This puts the option 16 dollars in the money. Now the beauty is
you get $100 dollars fro each dollar the stock rises above $200. So you have a
gain of 2400 dollars for each option you bought.
Imagine
if you invested 55,000 dollars and bought 550 options; this means you gain
55,000 dollars for each dollar above 200. With a 24 dollar move, well your gain
would be 1.3 million. In options 2 or 3 trades can get you to the 55,000 dollar
level starting at $100 dollars. You simply got to wait for great set ups. So
we’ll have to see.
More later.
Lancelot
#
19
My
Loida,
They
have this Vonage commercial. It’s a duffy blond at the beach, and the
water is crowded with shark fins. So her eyes light up and she squeals.
Dolphins. So she picks up her tube and starts running for the water. So
she’s hit in the head with a disk and a command of Vonage. But she
doesn’t get it. So she gets up and continues running at the water,
squealing “Come on everybody. Dolphins.”
It’s
so funny. There’s also a commercial for play station 2, where the annoying guy sits next to this guy
playing some space war game. So the annoying guy starts telling him how to play
the game. Telling him, that thing is about to morph so he needs to use his
cluster bomb. And this annoying guy is having an anxiety attack. Just seeing
this guy go through it.
Another
funny one, this guy approaches this girl and he’s like “Karen
… have you been getting my messages.” And it is obvious this girl
isn’t feeling this guy, and he’s a pest. So she goes “Oh,
I’ve been so busy… so much work. Ugh!” So he laughs as if he
heard something funny. And she makes a face as if his breath stinks, then he
reaches in and tries to kiss her and she dodges him, and he doesn’t
understand. So he says he’ll call her and she says ok. And then she looks
around, to her network provider. This whole exchange is painful to watch.
There
is another commercial where a cowboy dies and the dog is supposed to howl. But
the dog doesn’t howl, so the director yells “Cut!”, and
starts yelling at the trainer because the dog isn’t producing. So the
trainer runs over to the dog and says “Come on boy, dig deep within, I
know you got a yell deep within you.” The dog begins to imagine
he’s in the yard and chasing a Budweiser
truck. So as the truck passes by, the dog is jumping over the neighbors’
fences, gaining on the truck. So just as the dog jumps over a fence, the truck
makes a sharp turn around the corner and the dog bangs head first into the side
of the truck. Hard. So the dog howls. And on the movie set the dog howls like
no dog ever before. And the trainer, director, everybody is elated.
Here
some jokes:
Q: Who’s the poorest guy in West Virginia,
Mississippi, Louisiana and North Florida?
A: The tooth fairy.
A
blond decides to go ice fishing in a frozen lake. She cuts a hole and as she
puts down her stool, a voice from heaven booms: “There is no fish under
the ice.” She moves her stool 20 feet and cuts another hole. Again the
voice booms: “Stop cutting holes, there are no fish here.”
“God, is that you?” she
asked.
“No. It’s the manager of the
ice rink.”
A
man comes home to discover his wife missing. He searches for her for 2 days,
and when he returns home dreading the phone calls he has to make, he discovers
his wife in the kitchen eating a bowl of pasta.
“Where have you been these last 2
days?”
“Oh, I got taken by 4 men who made
me have wild sex with them for two weeks.”
“But you only have been gone for 2
days?”
“I know. I came home to have
something to eat.”
A
man sees a woman in a wheelchair on a bridge, crying. He approaches her and
asks what is wrong. “I’ve never been screwed before.” She
weeps. He thinks about it, lifts her tenderly from the chair, kisses her, and
then throws her into the raging river yelling “Now you’re
screwed.”
A
man who’s trying to cross the border finds a lamp. He rubs it and out
pops a Mexican genie. The genie says “Look, I don’t have time,
I’ll grant a 2 part compound wish. Now hurry.”
The man thinks and says with a big smile
“I want to be white and surrounded by women.”
“Fine.” says the genie, and
turns him into a tampon and lifts her skirt.
Four
nuns approach heaven’s gates. St. Peter is there greeting all new
arrivals, standing before a fountain of water. He tells each one to confess
their sins before entering.
The first nun says: “I lusted for
and saw a male organ.”
Peter replied: “Splash some water on your eyes and
enter heaven.”
The second nun now approached and said:
“I lusted for and felt a man organ.”
Peter replied: “Dip your hand in
the fountain and enter heaven.”
Suddenly the last nun pushed the third
down and ran to the front of the line.
“Can’t you wait your
turn?” Peter asked annoyed.
The nun cried: “I want to wash my
mouth out before she sits in it.”
Two
dwarfs pick up a couple of women at a bar and bring them to separate rooms next
door to each other. The first dwarf can’t get an erection, and he feels
more mortified when he hears his friend in the other room yelling.
“I’m ready to do it again…
one, two, three… dammit ugh!”
The next morning the dwarfs get together
to talk about their nights.
The first on says: “I was so
embarrassed. I couldn’t get it up. But I heard you going at it like a
stud.”
The second dwarf says: “You were
embarrassed? I couldn’t even get up on the bed.”
A
prisoner holds a couple hostage. They had just been intimate so they were both
nude. The man is tied to the heater on the floor, the woman to the bed. Then
man climbs on top of the woman, whispers something and goes to the bathroom.
“Honey,” said the husband,
“be brave. He probably hasn’t had any in a long time and wants me
to watch. Just do what he wants and we might escape this alive.” The
woman starts to laugh and says: Thank you honey, I’m relieved to hear you
say that. I was so worried, but he told me you were cute and he said he was
going to the bathroom to find the grease. He wants me to watch. So honey, be
brave.”
A
man is driving down the street and needs a parking space. He looks up and says:
“Lord, if you provide me with a space, I’ll quit sleeping around,
fighting and drinking.” Just then a space opens up. The man then says:
“Never mind- I found one.”
A
man in a church goes into a confession box and says nothing. The priest coughed
to attract his attention. The man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the
wall.
“No use knocking bro,
there’s no toilet paper in this one either.”
A
blond decides to commit suicide. She heads down to the park and hangs herself
from a tree. A few days later a man spots her almost faint hanging from a tree
by her wrist. He asks her what she is doing. She responds she is trying to
commit suicide.
He asks scratching his head,
wasn’t she supposed to put the rope around her neck?
“I tried that.” She began to
cry. “But I couldn’t breathe.”
Three
dogs go to the vet. The first dog says: “A little girl was pulling my
tail, so I got mad and bit her and now they are putting me to sleep.”
The second dog says: “I’m kind
of old and I pee and crap all over the place and now they are putting me to
sleep.”
The third dog says with pride:
“Well my female master was cleaning the tube in the nude. I kind of went
crazy and… well I guess you can imagine.”
The dogs said: “So she is putting
you to sleep?
“Nope. I got get my nails
clipped.”
A
hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his
shoulder. He turns around and is face to face with a big black bear.
“You have two choices, I maul you
or we have sex.”
The man decides sex and spends two weeks
recovering. When he can walk, he searches for the black bear and shoots him.
Just then he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns and faces a huge grizzly.
“Admit it”, the bear says,
“You don’t come here for hunting.”
A
man goes visit his ailing father in the nursing home. He finds the attendant
giving him warm milk and Viagra. He asks her: “Why are you giving him
warm milk?
He’s told: “To help him fall
asleep.”
“And why the Viagra?”
“To keep him from falling out of
bed.”
A
cop pulls a driver and his friend for speeding. The cop gets his license and
whacks him over the head with his nightstick. Then he walks over to the
passenger side and whacks him over the head also.
“Why did you hit my friend?”
The cop smiles and says: “When you’re driving away, you’re
going to mumble to the driver, I wish he would have tried this crap on me. So
here’s your wish.”
Okay,
these may give you a chuckle, the only other jokes I know are really dirty,
perhaps to dirty to write, so I won’t say them.
Remember
the joke we once played on Elizabeth? Was that her name, the girl you went to
school with? I pretended I knew her and she was so guarded. Told her things I
couldn’t have known unless I knew her. She was freaking out. That was
some good stuff.
I
do miss you.
Your Lancelot
#18
Loida,
my Sweetheart,
I
think high school was a turning point moment. I wanted a girlfriend so bad, and
was so afraid I’d never get one. I had a thing with my next door
neighbor. I was so attracted to her body
but wasn’t attracted to her as a person. We were too close. We’d go
swimming together and she’d wear this one piece, but it was so tight, it
was almost like she was nude. And we’d play summer nights playing cards
(spit) until 3 and 4 in the morning. I didn’t want to go to bed, and
neither did she. Her brother was like my best friend, and when he left, it left
us two together. And I think something awakened in us. One night we decided to
play strip poker. At first we’d play pretend (whatever that means).
We’d play for credit such as “Ok, I took off my shirt.” But
no clothes were removed. Then one night, we decided to play for real.
We’d play for credit, but we had to settle up after the game. Well, she had
to take off everything but her panties, and owned everything but my socks. So
we went to the hallway on the steps. We were both so nervous and so aroused. I
saw that in her. I never saw it in a girl before. Well I did see it in other
girls, but anyway. Off came her sweater. She hesitated. I insisted. She thought
about it. Off came her shirt. I saw the bullet in the bra. And she was focused
on my state. I think we were 12 or 13, and I couldn’t take it. I
don’t know how I got upstairs. I had to change my pants. I felt so
humiliated. Suddenly she came into my room. She begged me to let her see, I
couldn’t let her see the aftermath, so we went to the living room, and
the couch. It was so uncomfortable for me. So I promised I’d come to her
house in the morning as soon as her parents left. She said she’d leave
the door unlocked. As you can imagine I couldn’t sleep. I watched her
parents go to work. And I crept to her door and it was locked. When I got back
to my room I heard playing next door. So I went over. Door unlocked. And she
was different. As if nothing happened. Over a year later I learned she cured
herself that night.
I
then started my first year of high school. And it was rough for me. In 7th
and 8th grade I was a stud.
There were a lot of girls with crushes on me. Hell in 6th grade. I
had 2 girlfriends in the same class. Current. Nobody could understand if it was
possible. Well, on my way to high school, there was a girl who went to another
high school. I imagined she was flirting with me. Every day she’d stare
at me or I stare at her when she wasn’t looking. So I wrote her a note.
She wouldn’t even look at it. She ignored me and my heart was crushed. It
didn’t take much. Then in my school, there was a girl that was 2 grades
above me. I thought she was an angel. I don’t even remember her name. I
got up the courage and wrote her a love note. And I waited by her math class.
Her teacher who suspected what was happening, he tool my love letter from me.
He took it, read it and explained to me why she wasn’t interested. I didn’t
understand it and thought she put him up to it. I was so hurt. It’s
strange how I emerged from such humble beginning to popularity. I kind of lay
off girls after that for like a few weeks. After school I began hanging out
later and later, and exploring the city. There was so much going on after dark
and I wanted to stumble across the most intense situations. And I saw a lot. I
suddenly had fascinating stories. Whenever I did go home early I would bump
into a girl named Michelle who lived in a house 3 blocks away from me.
I’d talk to her, but couldn’t tell if she was into me. I’d
buy her pizza. I got her the rose in a long box. I would even go home and
borrow my brother’s cool clothes and try to impress her. But we were at a
standstill. I was confused by the situation. Her mother once told me I was
wasting my time, she had a boyfriend.
During
this time, there was a rumor of the most beautiful girl in school. Her name was
Radha, a freshman. That’s no small achievement in a school that has 4,000
students. I had knowledge of the top 3 beauties. Yvette, Maysin, Ashme. I never
saw Radha before. Then one day I got to go to my pop’s place, take the
train 1 stop and so some walking. Well the platform was crowded. The train
pulling in was packed. So I run to the door and squeeze in, and a few people
behind me squeeze in. I got to get off the next stop. I turn around and
I’m pressed against, face to face with Radha. I know this is the girl
everyone was talking about. We just stare at each other. When I exit, we hold each
others glance. The very next morning as I come to school late, after getting a
late pass, I turn the corner near the stairs and slam right into Radha again.
The
next time I meet Radha she’s being taunted on the train by a guy named
Dave who she has a crush on, and a pack of female jackals. I save her and we go
to another car where we talk. Our friendship blossoms. Everybody assumes we are
boyfriend and girlfriend because we are always together. Either she is looking
for me or I am looking for her. It makes me instantly popular. The universe
converges. Once I’m talking in the lunchroom before a crowd and I’m
being brilliant. Later in class, a guy named Colin tells me a girl named Kelly
Gelpy was listening to me and crying and wanted to meet me bad. Everything changed
about me, my taste in music, my dress code, even the people I collected. And I
had a life. A nightlife. Few People could hang out; know all the weird sites,
all the parties. Even outside the school times were improving. On my way home I
meet a group of kids from another high school. We all hang out as we wait for
our bus. All the girls are paired up. There are 6 couples or 8. Anyway, I girl
named Michelle II entered the picture. There’s a disruption. A lot of
girls are getting dumped so that they can shoot at her. I’m an outsider.
Well this girl is Spanish and always watched & swamped. So I go to my
Spanish friend in my school and I translate a love letter into Spanish. Because
I know I’ll be suspected, and because nobody knows my last name. I title
the letter with my first name but I add as if my last name was Thomashell. So I
go around the gang, mope and tell everybody some girl wrote me a love letter I
think, but it’s in Spanish. I ask her to translate it. She tales it and
reads it quietly. She goes into the store, reading it. I’m watching her
from outside. At the end of the letter, after proclaiming love and wanting to
date, it says “read the name very carefully.” She looks at me.
She’s tickled pink. So she comes out and explains how this girl in the
letter is really attracted to me and wants to know how I really feel. So we
have this conversation over the heads of the entire group. A girl named Thaila
figures it out and becomes my confident.
I
have a friend named Howard, he has a hot sister. She used to date my friend
Mark. Anyway, one night at midnight, I get a call from my friend Jeff. He tells
me to rush to the Rocky Horror Picture
Show because he met a girl who heard about me, and wants to meet me.
I’ll never make it in time, but agree to meet them at 2. When I meet
them, they are a mess. Rocky Horror is that interactive movie where whatever
happens on screen happens in the audience. When they throw rice at the wedding,
you throw rice at each other. When it rains, it rains on you. When they dance,
you get up & dance. And you finish each line. When Brad (the
’A’ hole) asks for a light, everybody pulls out a lighter and
screams “Here you idiot!” Anyway, I meet this girl Niemah and begin
our world wind courtship. I stumble about her inner exhibitionism and push her
buttons to the amazement of my friends, who think I’m a god. Well Hillary
is always hearing tales of Niemah taking off her clothes in public to tempt me,
so she wants to meet me. I talk to Hillary for months by phone. Then Niemah introduces
us to our first club “The Saint”. The ultimate club! Because
I’m meeting Hillary for the first time, in the middle of the street I and
Jeff exchange clothes. He will pretend to be me. We caper like this for a bit
until I put Niemah’s antics on full blast.
Usually
when we went out we traveled 20 to 30 deep. It was the united colors of Benetton: Japanese, Black, Indian, Spanish,
German, Italian, Gothic, Prep, Go-Go, 80 pop, pastel. All cool. One day I
master minded a school walkout. Everybody left school. Just depopulated. We are
on the train, radios playing, dancing on our way to the beach. On Halloween we
would come to school in bummy clothes, with hoods, our bags loaded with chalk
in a sock, shaving crème and eggs; all day an all out war from the halls to the
outside. Girl and guys all are getting it down. Then at night we all dress in
elaborate costumes, pimp and prostitute, Jesus and a pregnant nun, Santa Clause
and Easter rabbit. Blind leading a Venetian blind. A baby in a diaper and a
grandmother in drag. We walk in the Parade and people would fall down laughing
when they saw us. Chasing us with cameras. We’d go to the clubs, win the
awards, then crash parties all night.
We’d
throw parties at Jazzman’s House
that would last for days. You’d leave come back, leave and come back and
it would still be going on, packed.
And
I was always the romantic. When Radha couldn’t get out at night with me.
I’d have flowers delivered to her in class. I’d have pizza
delivered to the school. I’d decorate the roof with petals. I’d by
in bags from the florist, and do a picnic or a twilight picnic with champagne
glasses and candlelight.
On
Christmas Eve, we went ice-skating. There was a girl named Petula. I kind of
liked her. So I went on the attack. We walked her home to Chinatown; a few
friends were there, amazed. By dawn I got her to agree to go out with me. She
was known to of played a mean game of hard to get. Totally mine.
I
went out with Maysin Wong. I got my friend to rent an Astro minivan, and we
took her and friends to Great Adventures
for her birthday on the off season. We practically had the entire amusement
park all to ourselves. We’d stay on the rollercoaster and ride it 20
times back to back. Then we ended the night on the beach where we had a monster
cake fight.
Once
we went en mass to a porno movie. Just to see and we goofed on all the activity
going on in the theatre and on screen.
We
were all young, sexual, cool, and friends and we’d get involved in all
these ridiculous orgies.
Once
I’m walking with a guy named Tony in the city, and meet 2 girls gothic
sitting against a wall. I tool pictures of them. They ask us out. Me really.
They collect more girls, I collect some friends. It’s Sunday night and we
go to a Reggae club. I wouldn’t think Bliss & Rene liked that kind of
thing but it was their twisted world. We are dancing to Yellowman. By dawn, after making out and being intimate we got to
take them home, then go to school.
We
would go to concerts, and wait days in line on school time. We’d do it in
shifts. At 3 in the morning I’m released by Sun & Mika. Then
I’d go to school for half a day. Then go have to sleep. It was the fun
because we’d hang in a group and people would pop in and bring us food.
You
might ask when we went to class. We hardly did. The school was specialized. We
were all wickedly smart; some of us were smarter than the teachers. We usually
got A’s- because I mostly went in for the tests.
Oh,
I have millions of stories. Millions. The point is I got the hang of it. They
belong to you. My past is yours. I’m yours.
Yours P.
#17
Loida, my lover girl,
You know, I have so many favorite
movies. Of course I love all of the guy films, like The Matrix (original),
Aliens, Star Wars (the original), Platoon, Terminator (the original), The Exorcist,
Saving Prvt. Ryan, The Warriors, The Blues Brothers, Bachelor Party,
Porky’s (the original), The Godfather (the original).
These
of course are staples. But there are many that may surprise you. I like
Titanic, I liked Forest Gump. These I consider real love stories.
I
once saw an episode called Little Rascals. You remember the characters.
Alphapha, Darla, Spanky, Buckwheat, etc. …
Well
one time, Alphapha was pinning for Darla. He asked her if she loved him and she
wouldn’t answer. There was a very important football game he was in, and
he was so dejected because he knew his team would loose to these bigger
components. Spanky and the gang couldn’t get him to play. So Darla went
to his mother for advice.
So
once the game was in progress, Darla appeared and saw Alphapha’s team was
loosing. So she went down to see him and told him she had an answer for him. It
was a letter. He begged her for it, so she tied it in the strings of the
football. He had to get the football. He wanted the football so bad, he became
like a lion. If his opponent caught the football, Alphapha tackled him so hard
they knocked into the air. He caught every pass because he wanted to tear apart
the football. They kept taking it away. He was so awesome that his opponents
were scared of him. After winning the game single handedly, he finally got to
the letter and discovered Darla loved him.
I
saw this as a child and was so moved.
Another
movie I saw that had an impact was The wings of a dove. I’m not sure why.
It was about a poor girl that was under the care of a rich mistress who wanted
her to marry rich, but she was in love with a poor attorney. This was not
allowed. At a party entered a third woman, a beautiful rich girl who had
cancer. So the poor girl told her attorney to seduce the rich girl to fall in
love with him, even marry her and collect her fortune when she died. The rich
and the poor girl became friends. The poor girl lied about her involvement with
the attorney, saying they were only friends and although the attorney was attracted
to her, she had feelings with him. The rich girl invited them both to her
mansion in Venice. The attorney kept questioning why did he have to play this
role and he wasn’t sure the rich girl would surrender her fortune. The
poor girl assured him because she knew how the rich girl loved. So the attorney
allowed himself to be counter seduced. And their love affair was so beautiful
while the poor girl sat on the sidelines. When the rich girl began dying, she
discovered that the attorney may not be true with his intentions, and he
explained in the process of pretending, he accidentally fell in love, because
she was so vibrant in wanting to taste life again before she died.
When
she died he was crushed. He didn’t return to the States. He avoided the
poor girl. When she finally saw him, she saw a letter from the trustee of the
bank giving him a great future. He didn’t want it. When the poor girl
attempted to make love with him, he couldn’t do it because of the visions
of the rich girl.
The
movie was so subdued that it was brilliant.
Oh,
two of the hottest sex scenes in a non porno film I ever saw. That was so
stirring that it sent my heart racing and I thought about it for days. How can
I quantify it? There is always sex in movies. Slasher movies, romance movies;
there is always sex. But in there, 2 movies, they were accidentally erotic. It
was brilliantly done. One is a no name movie called Saints and Angels, or
Angels and Saints. It was about a guy who left his neighborhood and became an
undercover cop, and his best friend became a major criminal. Well enter this
girl who was kind of pretty, and both guys began competing fro her. She was
concerned it would tear their friendship apart ironically. She got tired of
both guys attempting to date her and trying to pull her in to 2 directions.
Then she got mad and left them both to fight in the car. The both ended up with
her in the house, and she explained it wasn’t about them, but her. So on
the couch she began to kiss one then another, stretching across them both as
they both undressed her. It was so wow. Unbelievable.
And
the second film was that foreign film The English Patient. The entire movie is
actually great. It’s kind of hard to follow, but this guy is after this
girl. She’s gorgeous. He can’t stay away from her and she
can’t stay away from him. At an outside gala, he shows up, and she
maneuvers away from her friends, who fear she might be pregnant, and she meets
him in a hallway, and he either goes down on her or does her manually. All you
see is her face. It’s so bittersweet that I’m even wondering if
she’s going to be ok.
Now
there are extremely erotic movies, but there is one I absolutely adore, and it
isn’t for its erotic content. I got off on the psychology involved. I saw
it while in high school. It was life changing because it changed my character.
My brother introduced me to it. He was a DJ at a radio station, and he played
music from the movie.
“Ill
do what I do to have you.” That’s the name of the song. It’s
on the sound track. That was my original introduction. It had lyrics that said:
“Do I touch the way…you want to be touched? …Do I say the
words…that you want to hear …Are you happy now? Since I can
satisfy…I’ll do what I do to have you. I’ll do what I have to
do.”
Perhaps
this movie is my all time favorite. My brother told me that the story. He is
the best storyteller ever. You think I can tell a story and act out the
parts…Well he’s the actor. He got the staring stoles in every
school play. He can tell a story that has you locked in. Better than the book
or movie. I got to take my hat off. Please rent this movie. Buy it. Steal it.
Ok, it isn’t all that- and not my all time favorite, but it is an
excellent movie, and it did have an impact.
It
begins with a woman named Elizabeth, newly divorced and works at a gallery. She
and her friend have to buy food in Chinatown for a dinner party. While in the
store she’s approached by 2 men. One guy questions her purchase of
chicken. The second guy comes in, stands behind her, they lock eyes, then he leaves
and goes into a restaurant across the street. Very elegant. A few days later
she’s at a flee market where she can’t afford a scarf. The man
named John sees her and the failed transaction. He approaches and speaks to
her. He takes hare to lunch, then to a place on Fire Island where he tells her
he works on Wall Street trading currency. She gets nervous when he informs her
that the house they are is isolated. She demands to be taken home. The next day
flowers arrive and she is very happy. They go out and he gives her the scarf
she liked so much. She takes him to her place. She explains her relationships
when he tells her to take off her blouse. He then gets ice and runs it across
her body. He doesn’t touch her. The following night, she brings him home
again and shows him her drawings. She placed a hand on his crotch and he
ignores it and asks if she is happy. She comes into the kitchen and tells her
to close her eyes and sit upon the floor, as he feeds her and covers her with
honey and food, and although they kiss he doesn’t touch her. At work the
next day, she is trying to define him and cannot. She can’t figure him
out. Again flowers arrive and he takes her to his house. A beautiful condo. TV
screens with price quotes, subdued lightning, and minimal black furniture. As
they talk, he asks her if she believes a person can be hypnotized with the
sound of ticking. He gives her a beautiful watch. Then asks her each day a
certain, could she think of him touching her. She agrees. The next day at work,
as the appointed time approaches, she gets agitated. She goes in the basement
and looks at film of art, then her hand begins to wander, and the next
she’s tearing into herself. More flowers arrive. The next night, she goes
to his house where he cooks for her. Over dinner she asks if he wants to meet
her friends. He declines telling her he only wants to know her, and she can
spend the day with friends and he wants the nigh to be theirs. She prepares to
do the dishes and he tells her she never has to do the dishes. He’ll do
the dishes, he’ll cook the food. Then the phone rings and he has to meet
someone and asks her to stay in his place. She lies around watching TV, then
soon gets bored and goes through his things in his bedroom. His suits, credit
cards, passport and a stack of photos, all of him and other women, all taken in
the same location. Suddenly the phone rings and John asks her what she was
doing. Was she going through his things? Looking at his photos, because good
girls don’t snoop. He asks her to confess. She does. He hangs up. When he
arrives home hours later, she’s so dejected and he tells here he
didn’t expect to find her there. He tells her she was bad and to lift her
skirt because he was going to spank her. She can’t believe it and grabs
her things and leaves, storms out. Seconds later she runs back in cursing him,
smacking him and fighting, and he grabs her, throws her on the table and
ravishes her. Then next morning he prepares breakfast in bed. The next day he
has her in a store where she’s being fitted with clothes. When she asks
him if he will ask her if she likes the clothes, he says no. Next they are in a
high end jeweler and she marvels at a gold chain. He tells her to steal it. She
does. Next at a bed store, he tries out a bed by having her grab the post while
the sales clerk tries to sell it. He then has sex with her publicly. Next he
drags her into a bell tower and has sex with her up against the bell. Then
she’s standing in the rain, while he is looking at her standing under an
umbrella. When she’s sick, he’s feeding her and she inquires how he
knew she would respond to him this way. He tells her because she is like him.
Next in an equestrian store, he buys a riding crop and hits her thigh to the
clerk’s astonishment. At his house, she then performs an erotic
striptease that ends on the balcony and roof. The next day she discovers that
her ex-husband is sleeping with her best friend. But flowers arrive to cheer
her up. The next day she follows John to work. She crosses his huge trading
room with hundreds of employees and runs past his secretary to appear in his
huge office. So she sows jealousy about his pretty secretary and when he shows
displeasure of her being there- she storms out. He takes her to Harry’s
Bar and she is acting all sexy and has her hands down his pants. Later that
night, she arrives at a Hotel room, and a note is waiting for her with a
package. It’s an outfit of a man. So she arrives in the lounge in drag.
He has a cigar and explains his life to him and about his hot girlfriend then
makes out with it. While walking through the village some fag bashers insult
them, so she begins selling them out, and they get chased through alleyways.
John is thrown to the ground. She’s hit, but she stabs the guy with a
fallen knife. They run away, and she’s so turned on. They have sex in a
dirty alley while it rains upon them. The next day she has to travel to the
woods to visit an artist, an old man. When she sees him, she’s impacted
because he is so jaded and spent and he also looks at her recognizing her path.
The night she’s in the Chelsea Hotel (the heartbreak suicide hotel) and
again a note and an outfit. When John arrives, she I tired and didn’t
dress. So he gets upset and dresses her, blindfolds her, then a door opens and
she hears a Spanish woman. Then woman runs her hands upon her body, then she
takes the blindfold off and as this woman is kissing John, she attacks her and
storms out the room. While John is chasing after her, asking what she’s
feeling, she responds: “You really want to know.”, and runs into a
filthy 42nd Street peep show with live sex. She walks through a crowd that
stands around a couple having sex, and she chooses a guy at random and kisses
him, beginning to have sex. John gets jealous, and grabs her and makes out with
her and gets her out of there. The next night she’s at a party and
it’s so surreal. She sees the old man, so much like her, she runs and
throws up. The next morning she wakes up with John and starts packing. He asks
why. She tells him because she wouldn’t say stop. (She burned out). He
begins to tell her about his mom bagged groceries, etc… Elizabeth cries
as she walks down the street.
Do
you know the movie? 9 ½ weeks.
The
movie introduced me to Luba “let it go.”, and “You can say
I’m just dreaming.” Even Roxy Music “Slave to Love”! I
never heard Roxy Music before, and it became my favorite group. It represents
class & elegance, to me at least.
I’m
a slave to love. I’m your slave in love. Would you love me again?
I’ll make you glad you came into my life. I promise!
Yours Lancelot